The April after I was diagnosed was slow to feel like spring. I had spent a protracted winter recovering from multiple surgeries, driving three hours one-way to chemo each week. It would be months before that first bout of chemo ended, but I was ready to feel alive again.
A warm day finally came and I knew sunshine and the smell of damp woods was exactly what I needed. I put on boots, drove to my beloved state park, and walked a trail by the creek. Patches of snow still dotted dark spots of the woods. Tadpoles and salamander eggs dotted the kettle ponds. Small trout spooked as I cast a shadow over a pool.
It was an amazing spring day because of how much I had missed being in those woods. And, out of that absence, I began to be intentional about envisioning a life with more time in places I love, doing what I love. It can seem as if cancer dots our lives with empty holes, taking away parts of our life we may take for granted otherwise. But we can be very intentional about filling in the dark dots with what we want or what we love. Maybe it’s things we lost temporarily because of treatment and their absence brings about reassurance of them in our life. Or, perhaps we fill them with new desires and dreams. You get to decide.
See the life you want
Spring is a beginning of many kinds. The start of a growing season. The source of a stream surfacing out of the hillslope. A new and sudden movement to, away.
You may feel worn down and tired and overwhelmed with what new steps to take now, let alone actually taking them. And you know what? That’s not only understandable- it’s normal. It is a transition season.
What if you take the step today to rest your body and let your mind just settle on visioning what you want? Find a comfy spot outside or in your house. Close your eyes. Envision your life without the overwhelm or fear. Forget about the “how” of getting to that life. Just see yourself as knowing what steps to take…and then taking you to where you want to go and who you want to be. See her. And as you think about her, try to feel as her.
You can start with envisioning small pieces of a lifestyle that lights up your soul and let the picture widen and flow from there.
The spring inside you
Years after that spring afternoon of poking around a place close to my heart and stirring to my soul, my husband and I are looking forward to spending weeks this summer by that same creek in a part of the woods we’ve made ours.
There’s a spring inside of you. A source of all that flows out of you. It starts inside. You can guide what flows and where it goes by creating the vision of what you want for your life.
It may not be easy at first, especially if your mind is used to thoughts around fear and rumination on the scary things. With practice, you will find it easier to do. The only step to take today is to start.
